GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
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*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
i think my razor is having a panic attack
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.