I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
You Might Also Like
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
New mindset, who dis?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?