[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.