Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —