Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??