This kid is a star!
You Might Also Like
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
found my next D&D character name
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.