“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
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Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
just having fun
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.