So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
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If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Hero horse inspires millions
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.