Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
men, we mow at sunrise.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: