I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
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This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die