If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Thrilling chase underway
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”