The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
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What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Good morning, Twitter x
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people