DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
The Book. The Movie.