Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
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I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
This line from Airplane.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
How to draw a duck
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.