Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
You Might Also Like
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.