Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
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Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals