when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
You Might Also Like
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!