Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
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In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Got him!
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.