maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Ok but actually
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*