Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]