It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.