Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
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You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Proctology is located in A55
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket