When he asks for feet pics
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A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.