I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Thrilling chase underway
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…