My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
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Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.