Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
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Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Damn what did I do next
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.