any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
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Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.