If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
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[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
O Wise One….
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.