It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
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[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early