What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
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Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*