I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
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God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.