*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
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Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Match dot com, but for socks.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
the composer
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.