My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
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Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.