[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
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when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
he chose this
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine