me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
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Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I would like even faster food.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us