Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
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Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
next level snooze
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Yes
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.