Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
The “baby” on the left….
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature