4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
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Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Mornin
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed