So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
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Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters