Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
good let them take over I have had enough
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?