sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
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Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
*looks at you in batman voice*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
This meeting could have been a cake
Same pineapple, same
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.