[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
You Might Also Like
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
oh u like history? name everything that happened
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.