What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
How to wake up a Beagle
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.