If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
me as a parent
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.