Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Bloody internet 😳
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Scream sneezers need love too.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
and now we wait
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.