HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village