Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
You Might Also Like
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.