If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.