I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
When the stylist spins you back around
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.