5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
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I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”